I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize