Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
well he said my boobs made him believe in love at first sight so that's cool
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
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