he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize