I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
