He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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