From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
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