my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
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