Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
