update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
