in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
