I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
