I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
