I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Randomize
