i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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