i need an iv and a liver transplant
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
