omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
