Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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