Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
