hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
