I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
