I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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