I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
