I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
