I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
