she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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