Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
