we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize