As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
Randomize
