All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
