what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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