For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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