ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
