Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my vag is so smooth its legendary
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
