he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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