So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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