so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Randomize
