Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
