If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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