i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
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