I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
