Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
