I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize