i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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