I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
I just found puke in my bra..
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
