What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
