by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
