I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
BRING THE BAGELS
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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