Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
