My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Randomize
