Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
