best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
