My underwear smells like fireworks.
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Randomize
