"it" just moved
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
