Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I'm too high and old for this...
Randomize
