I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
