did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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