How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
