i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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