How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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