Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
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