I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
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