So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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