I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
it was like having sex with a tree stump
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
